not in any particular order

Huffing the wrong kind of paint and expecting results
Everything on earth has its own smell

Everything beautiful is also disgusting if you think about it for 1 second too long

How does anything happen at all, ever

I wonder aloud to the waitress at the ruthlessly efficient family friendly restaurant

She spits her gum in my wine and suggests a new cake.

That costs 36 vermillion dollars so I pay in shredded gold teeth

Before cartwheeling the heck outta there and thinking,

“I wonder if people think I’m sweet or just regular nice?”

Large chain bookstores should have high vis vests up front that say, “I’m actually a voracious reader” that you can throw on when you’re there to run a random stationary errand so nobody thinks you’re uncultured swine that only shops in the non-book sections.
My favourite genre of music is songs about girls (gender neutral) who no longer want to be at the party, but can’t leave just yet
there is nothing chicer than having a bad time at a party
I wish you couldn’t see my double chin when I pout
I want to throw one of my conventionally attractive temper tantrums whenever someone says that going down is actually harder than going up because of the different muscles used
Going up could hypothetically last forever. Don’t we all know that??
Going down means we get to do the best part of any activity which is finally getting to do the next activity

On my death bed, I plan to tell whoever is there that the destination is actually way better than the journey. The journey can suck my half dead cock, actually. 
and then I’ll die.


My body dysmorphia will never recover from the one time a 25 year old Australian man asked me if I’ve “always been athletic”
The thinnest I’ve ever felt
Was when I realized that my 20lb puppy and me were prescribed the exact same anti-anxiety medication.

Same dose, same everything
Technically, I’m allowed to take two
but the joy I get from taking pills with my dog is about equivalent to the other 50miligrams

so I stick to one.

We have the same brand of anxiety too
it’s the type where we get too excited about everything and then the room spins and our heads fill with bees and it’s hard to sleep.

It’s the type where if William leaves the house were like goddamit, now what?

It’s the type where we have to poop but that person over there might give us a solo show so we better go shake our butt in that direction and then we miss our chance to poop and are constipated for 3 days instead.

That type.

37 times a day I tell my dog he has a perfect body and a perfect mind

Because he does.

He doesn’t even really need the medication.

That’s how perfect his mind is.

But sometimes being calm is the only impossible option.

It’s the type were I have a head ache for three days and then take a really big breath that feels like my first in three days and then my head feels a little better.

It’s the type that makes me feel like having the same anxiety prescription as my dog is somehow an indication of my BMI

That type.

Anyway…

The thinnest I’ve ever felt is when I think about 50 miligrams of trazadone working in both our brains the same.

Taking everything off vibrate
Pulling the nice dishes down from the tall shelf
Digging our toes into warm sand
Not worrying too much about how cheese would be better

if it didn’t have a pill inside. 

The horniest smell in the world is fog machine in a dark room
The new year is a prickly pear and I am new to fruit
I get born every day which means
I’m always thinking about my bones, but not in a productive way
When I notice a new flower in the neighbourhood, I try to be less judgemental.

Alas

How little water must you be drinking for drinking more water to make that much of a difference?

bit pathetic, isn’t it.
to drop the ball in this elemental way

Somersault into an aquarium filtration system, if you must.
shred and reconstitute into god’s purest little rockstar
each atom of your being a prize specimen
hailed by scientists as the greatest collections of the atoms since adam.
Nothing makes me angrier than thinking about how most men don’t feel the need to carry a bag.
The more olives you eat, the less calories they should be.
Brine should be a reward for
enduring everything else.

Why aren’t we all more upset there is a wine named Josh
My invasive thought is that Lauren and Tyler are about to become parents only names
About to go the way of Phil and Susan and Sharon and Norm.

The week I turned 30 my gums started hurting and then I pulled my back out bending down in a normal way

and once 15 years ago I didn’t make the newcomb ball team
So now I crave revenge

Melissa and Brandon- which—by the way—are the exact same names as Lauren and Tyler
Are also having kids now
Well they’re trying, anyway

I think about parenthood all the time and always feel the same.
just a vague sense of annoyance towards blurry apparitions of really small people for needing me while I want to be working.

so you see why it’s a massive shame my name and body are destined for unearned Cheryl-dom.

Why I’m always massaging my face to combat gravity’s rancid mortal yank.

I wish my gums were made from medical grade silicone.

I’d prefer to stay Emma for ever.

I fucking love capitalism I love it so much there’s nothing better I’m sopping wet just thinking about the toonie at the bottom of my purse right now I swear to god I will cum shit and throw up right here if we don’t change the subject right now
One time my boss at the frozen yogurt franchise
Asked me how to spell flavour
So I went home and dyed my hair blue and wore short shorts
Because you can’t enforce a yogurt store dress code after you’ve outed yourself as the first person in the world to ask a stupid question.

One time at the shoe store
I watched a kid piss right on the floor
I told his parents, “hey your kid is peeing in the store”
So they grabbed him and ran out
And I lost the commission
And then I pretended to know how to clean human piss from a carpet

Every day at American apparel
we were told the CEO was going to visit
Because we were the smallest store in North America
And that meant something, god dammit.

Everyone who worked in that store was a teenage girl specifically hired because they looked like the girls he likes
Which we know because
of all the assault allegations
Which is all to say

I wish I had transferable skills
I wish excel had animation options like how PowerPoint has animation options

Poem from the week I was really grumpy
I’m lying in bed and I thought of the word skink
I think it’s an animal
Or a fish
But maybe it’s a tool
I could see a carpenter needing a skink
To tighten a metal thing
Skink it up good, make sure it doesn’t move
If it does,
The structural integrity goes right to shit
No, its definitely an animal
btw
I can’t keep screaming in my car like this
Hurts the throat
So I’d like to kindly ask for less rejection
You know, for my throat.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, it’s a reptile
Thank god it’s nothing like a skunk
There can only be one sheriff or whatever


Trying to experience something sublime after applying to teaching jobs
I’ve seen infinity
twice
moonlight brighter than a flashlight
held tight in the hand
glowing through the thins of your fingers
The tide made outlines of mountains on the beach
Will I ever get tenure?


For one single second, the whiny babies at the “freedom” rally had me reconsidering the definition of “freedom,” on the off chance that they were right (they were not) and it was actually “the government” inhibiting me and not my usual suspects, “my own brain” and “men”. 
true freedom is going for a walk
and suddenly realizing that
when Chris angerly asked what you were doing
when you were 16 and trying to grind with him at a dance party
it wasn’t because you were such a bad dancer that even with the loud music and ass-to-crotch-contact it still wasn’t entirely clear what you were attempting to do with your body,
it was simply because you were already flirting with most of his friends
and had a boyfriend in another city.


My solar plexus chakra needs some work but my throat has been pried wide open and I can practically hear the wild flowers chanting as they hug their petals to their stems, emanating sweet offerings to everyone who deigns to shine some light in the direction of it’s all connected and perhaps nothing could be sweeter OH!—and yet,
I know god isn’t real because I’ve never finished
a bottle of shampoo and
a bottle of conditioner
at the same time
not even close.  


ISO song recs
What is sitting on my chest and why is it shaped like
a deep sea
musical instrument. a sharp twang and a rough twitch
or however they make ‘em down there.
Nobody knows really
I only like music that sounds like a spooky carnival anyway
the kind with aesthetic hay but also
a very large costume budget and glitz. lots and lots of the stuff
and of course the actors are all fucking
not well, mind you
but eagerly.

Sorry for the digression. i just heard a song and thought
maybe it’s this on my chest, something from this world and not whatever that was
squishing my tits into my lungs
all in all too much gravity and not enough twang twang for it to be so foreign

you can see now how it all makes sense
the fact that I’m in the deep sea and can’t sing at all.


April 2
In the future everyone will be talking about how
one time, in 2021
No Name changed the texture of their 1% cottage cheese
from good to great.
How could we forget the time something didn’t get worse?
Simply put, we won’t. And in the future everyone will discuss toppings
in depth
Has your preference for savoury or sweet changed with the texture?
Did you think you’d have to pay those Nordica premiums forever?
We were so naïve.
The light at the end of the tunnel is No Name 1% Cottage Cheese.
We just don’t know it yet.


Everyone I’ve ever dated has insisted that I play settlers of catan with them and their friends and so I did and not one of the people I’ve ever dated invited me to play again after that first time, even though, in all cases, we continued to date for more than a year.
Trying is the most embarrassing thing in the world according to tv shows from 20 years ago that employed the infamous cool/loser dichotomy and waxed poetic on what it really means to “own this school”.

Unless you also learn how to role your eyes and then trip on something obvious, only to succeed in the remaining 8 minutes, trying is the most embarrassing thing in the world.

Look: all I’m asking is if it is Hillary Duff’s fault that I live in fear of someone saying “good for you” if they see me struggle to bike up a hill?

All I’m asking is if it is Hillary Duff’s fault that I ask for help before knowing if I need help and then get mad at whoever is trying to help me for thinking that I need help?

All I’m asking is if it is Hillary Duff’s fault that my hair is dry and sometimes you get to a point in a sudoku where you just have to start guessing?

Seriously: Is it Hillary Duff’s fault that I’m guessing?

Is it Hillary Duff’s fault that I bought crystals once and then continued to buy crystals once and now no longer care about all my crystals?

Is it Hillary Duff’s fault that I feel like I could probably deduce what’s involved in “repotting your plants” but I don’t really know what’s involved?

Is it Hillary duffs fault that most days I wake up and wonder if today will be the day I get IBS?

Is it Hillary Duff’s fault that most days I exert real effort trying to touch as many soft things as possible but no soft thing could ever live up to that one type of moss I got to step on with bare feet in a place that was otherwise bad?

Is it Hillary Duff’s fault that I am physically allergic to cats, but I am the opposite of allergic to cats emotionally?

Is the fact that I only realized I had cellulite after my friend took pictures of my ass and put them online Hillary Duff’s fault? Would I have more Instagram followers if it wasn’t for Hillary duff? Did Hillary Duff move everything far away just so artists could attempt in vain to “collapse the distance” between this and that? Is Hillary Duff going to give me a speeding ticket?

Oh Hillary Duff we have sinned before you!
Hillary Duff in your abundant mercy, cleanse us of our guilt before you.
Hill, baby, please bring us back to you in perfect repentance.
Be gracious unto us and answer us although we have no merits of our own. Deal with us in righteousness and loving kindness,
and save us.


microscope prophylactic to ensure constant state of enchantment
The small flecks in soil
could be better
they could glisten, but the white
and the weirdly shaped
hold space in the dense
crumble but at the same time,
why white why fleck why not
a glisten so tantalizing it
spins?

soil says that’s what it’s all about, anyways.

opals exist to interrogate white and
make it feel not up to
snuff or a lesser evil.
could flecks become an opal vista
sprinkled loosely in the dense
crumble

as it slips through a human
separation we look down
to see the multicoloured dawn and
not for nothing but
future growth looms thick looms warm
looms weighty looms slick
small flecks could mean something
soil could glisten if not
for the dull
breeze.


Mouthy
I have so many mantras that it’s hard to think of anything else.
Deep breathing can be the most delicious food if you’re not really that hungry
Imagine being satisfied by beige
Imagine caring about a company
Imagine saying the right thing
Imagine being ok with how you look in a pencil skirt
Imagine holding your tongue in a meeting.
Imagine having rough enough fingers to hold your tongue at all.


April 17
A soft stop
like hair in the drain
puddling briefly until sludge
balled, suspended over
a sloping net
swooping and safe from
what exactly?
ascent or descent both mean away from here
until I shed and pause again


“See those 3 stars over there?”
Sometimes to procrastinate I check my work email to see if anyone has yelled at me today.
Even though I’ve never been yelled at.
Do people even yell anymore? Who “yells”?
I’ve pre-ordered a cake for the day I get yelled at.
It says, “it happened, finally!” And there are balloons. And then I’ll sleep the best sleep of my life because I’ll be full of cake and I’ll finally know who yells and at what.
Is there anything a straight man loves more than pointing out the big dipper?
At this point, does the big dipper even exist?
I suspect not.
Sometimes I dream of being a hot girl working at a mall kiosk
Sometimes I dream of buying stuff from a hot girl at a mall kiosk and then we go on an adventure together around the mall. Not worrying about the kiosk.
At this point, do mall kiosks with hot girls even exist?
I suspect not.

everything is embarrassing
whats the deal with feeling like i talk bad
or with people who tell kids not to like dandelions
like so what you might get allergies
its not a reason to stomp away
unless they are the kind of allergies that make your throat close up
and your eyes puff out
then maybe leave quietly and drop a note on the floor that says something like
i cant stand being around you and ive always felt that way i just didn’t realize it until we got close
have you ever considered that the reason we hate those close up hotel mirrors is because we see what other people see when we breathe into their faces and think
shit maybe my breath smells
shit maybe i’ll never be able to zoom out again
eternally breathing up someones nose and dragging dirt into their tubes like a cigarette that’s filled with what I had for lunch and things you never wanted to hear
grilled chicken wrap on wheat and you’ve put on weight
i remember liking dandelions and i remember being told i was wrong
and i remember seeing dandelions spike up their hair every spring
and thinking

just play it cool they cant know you're into them in that kind of way


11 Products for People Who Wish They Were Kittens or Puppies; This Quiz Will Reveal Which One You Are, And Then The 11 Products Will Follow.
I clear my mind and imagine butterfly wings shooting out of the hollow part under my shoulder blades.
Ripping my skin a definitive burst.
I clear my mind and imagine babies and how small they are.
They weren't that small until one day they were fucking small, randomly.
Everything is suddenly about bursting.
Everything that is supposed to matter rips my skin.
Everything that is supposed to matter comes from a hollow place and rips my skin.
When I can't sleep I imagine a fleshy little tag in the bottom right corner of my thumbnail.
I pull it and it comes off in a skinstring- stretchy and soft- and travels around my nails one by one and travels along the outline of my hand and up my arm after that.
There is a moat around each of my nails. There is a moat around most things, randomly.
I clear my mind and imagine the insides of things and what's waiting to come out.

Letter to a cuttlefish
You have only one bone that looks like a big spoon
Or maybe a bowl
I’m really not sure how big you are

I have a whole bunch of bones.

Most are concave at the middle or the end
like a spoon or a bowl

Especially those butterfly pelvis bones that everyone’s got

Might be good for soup and salad


Gemini blues
you said
“I didn’t eat pickles for a year because it occurred to me that they are just mummified cucumbers and I was feeling dramatic”.

I said
“that’s kind of like how I used to lie to people and say that I like to meditate in fabric stores when feeling dramatic”

even though fabric stores kind of stress me out.

Also, you love pickles.


high praise (love poem 1)
As we held each other in a small bed I smooshed my head into your neck chest
and you put your hand on my butt in a supportive way and we agreed that the worst thing
about pad thai
is that it inevitably ends.  

brief meetings (love poem 3)
I wondered what it would be like to feel
your ball sack on the small of my back
I suspected it would feel a bit like when
you’re in a lake and a fish swims by your foot
or your foot touches a lake plant but you
think it’s a fish that swam by your foot
either works since everything in a lake is basically the same
just sort of small and mushy

I felt your balls gather on the base of my back
as the worlds most delicate massage
It didn’t really feel like anything from a lake in the end but
I will never meet the same fish or lake plant again after yanking my foot away from its touch
and in a similar way, your ball sack will never meet my low back again
unless of course
you sit on me.